capture those moments

cheryl francisca 23 nov 88’ <3 ly, God, family, thesexies, asher my keys, singing yea!

Saturday, November 27, 2004, Saturday, November 27, 2004

Can't believe that os actually ended a week ago. it's 3.55am in the morning and i don't know why i'm on the compy, but anyway i think i've stuffs to spill out so gladly i will. I've been so tired, of everything, school grad preparations, all the buying of things, trying to entertain people, and coaxing myself to sleep every night. It's all killing me...slowly.

I have come to realise in the past 3 months, that people and things are really unpredictable. Not that i never ever believed that in the first place, but i never thought it'd happen to a few people so quickly that i'd wish not to name them here. Sometimes i feel like i'm this rag doll, that gets taken up and played with when needed or bored and later chucked aside when one's done with their fun. I am NOT a rag doll. Cut me and I bleed, i've feelings too. Maybe this would seem to many of you like i'm really pissed and angry at someone, but i can never be because for this, all i have inside is just, well pure pain, i say.

I'm not going to act like i'm so alright and everything already. It's hurting so bad inside..bleahx

Maybe it's just me, or maybe just I'm growing up to be more and more sensitive to everything, so probably when it comes to a time when you've to let go of something, i just can't do it. Call me foolish, call me naive, but maybe one day when you're in my shoes you'll see what i really mean. Sometimes i feel like everything i've given, is just taken for granted and rewarded with coolness and bitterness. It cuts like anything but i know it doesn't matter anymore cause sooner or later you'll be thinking i'll be cool and good. Comes and goes like the winds eh? I don't want to be selfish and insist that you stay cause happiness must truly belong to you, that alone is good enough for me. Anything that doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. But, there's another side of me that's squirming in agony silently. I can't do anything, i'm helpless in the face of God. Not that i don't love God, I really do and never will stop but some things, just aren't fair.

Are you just being naive? or are you so sure of everything, when i thought i last heard you say you'll stay at least for now?.. it's unpredictable what God's calling is as you might say, but then again what if it's just your imagination? You're not giving me a chance at all, nothing at all. zilch, kosong. zero, null, egg.. what can i do to make you understand and hear me out?? It's like removing a nail from the fence but it's mark will forever remain. Wouldn't you just think for at least one more time?

Sigh i sound so bitchy, urgh. i'm sorry, i just needed to screamm out a little bit. i'm really at my wits' end. Must you be so sure all the time and plan every single turn in life that you forget to leave space for those little surprises that come your way? Be realistic. Don't do something, just because of someone or because of what you prayed for and promised. Look at the present, see those who care and if you can see, feel the pain she's going through. You're forcing her to cut herself away from you. i really don't know who's the selfish one..

I let you go, i let you fly, why do i keep on asking why?
i let you go, now that i've found, a way to keep some how..
More than a broken vow..

I'd give away my soul to hold you once again,
and never let this story end..

please would you listen to your heart one more time? i'm beggin you. i thought i'd be fine without you but now i know, it's really not true.