It's Sept holidays now, aye?

Everyone's studying hard in every corner of Singapore, the National Library & libraries around singapore, in schools, in fast food joints, in cafes, restaurants, void decks, clubhouses, at home, anywhere... ...
and good ole me has one extra thing to worry about whats happening in the dreadful days leading up to the sixteenth of this month. The first time I'm worried about performing, first time my nerves are getting more to me, all because I'm fully aware of the sad and helpless situation I am faced with. i hate producers. and yes partly cause my classical voice is changing to rock/ pop style. Anyhow, those people don't like what they're hearing.. and i have no choice. i hate pretending that I'm fine with their insults. BUT, i have no choice. Some day I'm going to prove you all wrong.

Anyway, it's a voice student concert, (the first time ever allowed) @ the National Library, Drama centre level 3. tickets are priced at $25/ yes it's a little over the top but it's cause we're having such a venue this time. Don't blame me. yes broadway and classical songs. sigh.

I'm feeling expecially in sync with my emotions tonight, going home alone always has its benefits, to a certain extent i suppose. You start to notice things about other people you've never noticed, hear things that usually would sound normal but this time, interesting when you're filtering out the fluff in your life, like how juicy gossip just flows around. the ebb of tides. okay. i'm back to earth. today im on the topic of our double take, double identity.

I don't deny that two identities are sometimes necessary in our world. but it's the extent of how much we put up with, and how long it takes for us to reunite both our metaphysical self and our true self. A lot of people never do realise that.

I just decided that maybe flying to Prague on the same day as graduation night would be is probably more a blessing in disguise. Why so? I'm not even close to my class, and my other half in class & my only sole strength to pull through classes, well she's flying back for her cousin's wedding. that means... that i'm left with no one to talk to. Close conversations that is. Everything is just fluff. Pure superficiality. I'm sorry I'm saying this about my class but that's precisely what I feel. I don't wanna fake like I'm loving my classmates and all.. I wanna be actively participating in class discussions, laugh about jokes, secret jokes that only the students know when classes are on leaving teachers baffled most of the time. I wanna have partners for break time. I don't wanna be alone, I don't want to be a social butterfly. I want to have motivation to do my work well, I want to be able to shout and scream and act all ME like how it was back in secondary school. but it's impossible. I knew it the first day i stepped into college. I knew it would be a change. I was never supposed to be here anyway. maybe it's just too short a time. even for 2 yrs.

This is the part of me that is in school. for the first time in my life, i feel friendless, mere brushes with acquaintances, my classmates don't even seem close. I feel they're cold, they wouldn't let anyone come into their inner circle. Those cliques. I never wanted to invite myself in cause i'd be kicked out anyhow. So this is how the outsides feel. I finally understood. But they live with it and I am, I've been, anyway for the past 1 and a half years that is. Even my form teacher got me wrong. i'm quiet, i'm not interested in class participation, and further more depressed and discouraged. yah righhht. stifled, restricted more like it.

I feel cordoned off. This invisible barricade that prevents me from reaching out to my friends. worst still, from reaching out to who I wanna be. It sucks, to put it bluntly to have to live your life this way. oh, but i'm the great pretender haha. My computer can't load my photos up from my phone and my camera so that explains all the pictureless entries recently. i'm working on it :)
i'm just going to stop my endless whining. then again, cause no one will understand. i'm just being me.

tuition again tmr, im finding it a chore, more with each tuition. i'm not happy with my tuition to be honest, you know they say two people are okay and three is just odd. well it is, i'm once again the extra one. they have secrets between them, maybe trade information between them, do work together that's related to tuition. sorry, i've got nothing. And why i'm doing all this, is just for the sake of my grades. it's costly too. who ever has tuition for econs?? really..

i'm feeling so ptttft. i don't know how to express my feelings, even at mass i'm distracted my mind's no longer there in that moment, it flickers and dissipates. and the problem is, i never get it back. I want to do well, i want to make people proud, my parents, myself. People just keep thinking that I'm never serious at what I do, even if it's music. it's only in sec school where i get recognised, and my time has gone, for good.

but maybe it's just a sad night. i try to think of happier times. but life just hits you hard. We will always be actors drowned forever in our music.

senseless garbage.